Day two, we again tried to say nothing negative to each other and we performed one unexpected gesture of kindness towards the other. We succeeded, we spent the day thinking about how we could each please our spouse, and not what our spouse could be doing differently to please us. This was a good day.
Day three, we spent about 4 days on. We were to buy something for our spouse to show that we were invested in them. I bought my husband a toothbrush holder and his own tube of toothpaste for the shower because I had heard him say that he wanted one, and I was always taking the toothpaste out. He bought me a beautiful cross with the serenity prayer on it, my faith is very important to me and he knows this. This dare was great, it showed us each that we knew each other just a little bit better than we thought. What hope this brought.
Day four, we were to contact the other during the work day just to see how they were doing and to ask if there was anything that we could do for the other. We did. This dare showed us that each of us were willing to be there for the other, and we again stopped thinking so much about what our spouse could do for us to make us feel good and made a choice to think of the other unselfishly. This did not remove our selfishness though. This didn't remove any of our character defects, but we started to learn that "love" was not based on how we felt, love was an action, a choice. On our wedding day, our marriage commissioner recited I Corinthians 13: 4-13. We did not ask him to, he did not know that this was one of my favorite verses and he did not know that we had any interest in faith, he took a leap, for all he knew we could have been the biggest atheists ever and hated every word of the Bible. I was so grateful that he took this leap, it reminded me that the commitment that I was making was not to my husband, but to God and God alone, for I would only answer to Him. But what I didn't know at the time was that it would be one of the biggest learning experiences I could have in my life related to "love."
On to day five, we were to ask our spouse to tell us three things about us that irritated them, we were not allowed to make excuses, or to try justifying our reasons for doing these irritating things. We were to listen, then we were to think about how we could improve in these areas, we were not to focus on how much our spouse irritated us, we were to only think on how we could stop irritating them. Ouch!
The next day, day six, we were to make a conscious effort to react to tough circumstances in our marriage with love instead of with irritation. We did not succeed at this one, we ended up having a small spat over something silly and we ended up skipping the love dare for a few days until another silly spat pushed us to do more WORK.
In anger I moved onto day 7. I wrote down two lists, one of positive attributes of my spouse and one of negative attributes. It was so easy to write down all the negative things about him. I felt negatively towards him. I was angry that he wasn't living up to my expectations of what a loving husband should be, in fact it was so hard for me to feel anything about the list of positive things that the last one that I wrote was "he's trying." I had to thank him for something on the positive list. I thanked him for being a good and loving father to our daughter. I didn't even write that he was a good husband. This showed me something. I was ugly, ugly on the inside, I married a good man! He provided for his family and he was doing the best he could with the resources he had and I was ungrateful!! I didn't feel that way as I wrote these things, I realized it in the next dare.
Day 8. Take the list of negative attributes... and BURN IT! WHAT?! How could that be what it said?! I read it again. BURN IT. I found tears in my eyes as I realized I didn't want to let go of my anger, I didn't want to not be resentful, the things I felt were legitimate. Weren't they? maybe, but what marriage can stand on anything other than love that is not blinded by all of the me, me, me's? I went into the bathroom held my paper above the toilet and flicked my bic. I felt a slight sense of letting go, I felt a little better. It didn't fix me, I'm still selfish, but I am becoming much more aware of this fact and with this knowledge I can learn not to act on it. which brings me to day nine.
Day nine. Love is not jealous. I know jealousy, fortunately this was one thing that had not crept into our marriage yet so I have little to say on this matter. We both have always been able to congratulate the other for accomplishments we've made and been able to truly be happy for the other.
On to day ten. We were to greet each other with love and enthusiasm. We have always said hello with a kiss at the end of a long day, we have always said the words "I love you" before heading to bed. These things were routine for us, we weren't really that happy to see each other, we saw each other every day, nothing new, right? I started this dare first. I gave my husband a big kiss and told him how happy I was to see him. When he started this dare the next day he confided he was a little confused about why I had been acting so weird. He now understood and started to greet me at different parts of the day with loving hugs and kisses and I have to say although this seemed like such an insignificant detail, I felt more intimacy between us and I plan to continue with our enthusiastic greetings.
Day eleven. This is where we are today. We are to do something out of the ordinary for our spouse that proves to them and to ourselves that our love for one another is based on choice and nothing else. This seems like it should be easy, but I'm afraid it will not be. I have improved on cleaning, and greeting my hubby with affection, I have bought him something just to show I'm thinking about him and I have learned to keep my mouth shut when I am irritated. So what can I do to prove my love for him is unconditional? We will see. I will let you know at the end of this dare what I decided on and I will let you know what he did for me.
Throughout this journey which isn't close to being finished I have learned so many things about "love" I have learned that love is not a feeling at all times. It is not the smile on the faces of two people when they say the words "I do." It is not the love in the movies, so passionate that you just want to run through a field full of flowers into the others arms and then read each other poems while you sit by a fire late at night. At times, love is not even a feeling. It is a choice, a choice to see and to live the words in spite of feelings...
Love is patient, Love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong (burn it). Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I have found that the heart is deceitful. To follow it is to fail. "Love" that I have struggled all my life to find was not my ideal, it was and is now a choice. I am confident that through the next 29 days, more will be revealed. I am learning to be the wife that God intended ME to be, I don't have to be concerned with whether or not my husband measures up to an idealistic expectation which is truly unrealistic, I am learning that although I cannot change my feelings I can change my actions, and with doing so I believe that as my views change so will my feelings. They are already beginning to. And with the help of God I will have a whole new meaning of love to share with my spouse and my children through my actions. I am learning that to look at my flaws in depth I am able to look over my husbands more easily. I am flawed in so many ways, I am human. My husband is human and I LOVE him, no quotations needed I LOVE him! Not because he is attractive, not because he is responsible and kindhearted, confident and supportive and thoughtful or because he tries and is a wonderful father to our child, but because he is my husband, the man I said for better OR for worse to, the man God has instructed me to submit to even when it's not comfortable. I am his wife and it is my DUTY to love him. Unconditionally, without expectations, without negativity. Dear Husband, I LOVE YOU, for all that you are, all that you aren't and for all that you will or will not be.
I really enjoyed reading that aand also appreciate your willingness to be open about your private issues. I envy the fact you have a husband who wants to try a spiritual solution and put God first so that your family can be succesful. I wish that would have been the case in my situation. Thanks again and i look forward to future posts! See ya wed!
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